; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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