Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
