i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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