I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
