This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
