if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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