I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
