dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
tonight lets celebrate not being married
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
