I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
