i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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