Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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