Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
