you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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