Your dad touched me again.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
