Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
