I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
wanna go halves on a baby?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
