we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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