Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
