Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You ruined the universe
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize