The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
