Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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