yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
