you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
