dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
