I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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