i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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