Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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