love makes seman taste better
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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