Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
