Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
