Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
