Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
