Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
