I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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