the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
