here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
