Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
