I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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