I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
