I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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