Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
