i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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