I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
