Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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