happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
