GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
