Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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