he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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