How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
