I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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