I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
