Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
