dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
