No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
