He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
