Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
