Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
