i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
