Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
