the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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