I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
